So yesterday I was thinking about how I’ve been blogging almost six months, and how I’ve failed all 5 of my faithful readers.

This blog is called jama rattigan’s alphabet soup: a children’s writer offers food for thought and fine whining.

Well, I’ve had so much fun eating, I forgot to whine!

So today, I’m going to make it up to you.

Sticking to our theme, of course. 

Any Seinfeld fans out there? Remember the Soup Nazi?

This character was based on a real-life soup vendor named Al Yeganeh, who ran Soup Kitchen International in midtown Manhattan. Apparently his soups were superb, but he was a meanie. Maybe moody would be a better word to describe his arbitrary granting of extra bread or candy to some customers and not others, and his insistence on everyone following his strict rules of ordering and paying up front, then quickly moving over to the left to pick up the soup. Any unsolicited comments, failure to keep the line moving, or wrong shade of lipstick could set him off with his world-famous rant: 

This man has inspired me. No more soft-spoken, green tea sipping, bullet biting, small Korean woman in flannel bunny pajamas who wouldn’t dare disturb the universe. No! 

Today, I decide who gets soup and who does not! 

I will make all the rules!

I will not be consistent, sensible, diplomatic or intelligible!

Just for you, my friends (all 5 of you), I will flip my lid!

Until further notice, the following people, places, things, or ideas WILL NOT be allowed to eat soup, look at soup, or even think about soup, period. You are hereby banned from the pleasures of any form of broth, consomme, stew, stock, avgolemono, billy-bi, bird’s nest, bisque, borscht, bouillabaisse, burgoo, caldo verde, callaloo, chowder, cioppino, cock-a-leekie, gazpacho, gumbo, menudo, minestrone, mulligatawny, pepper pot, pistou, potage, she-crab, or vichyssoise, for starters. Strict penalty will be enforced. No exceptions or extra crackers.

JAMA’S NO SOUP LIST 2008

1. Males who hawk gobs of phlegm onto the sidewalk or expectorate out of cars.
2. Companies who overwrap products in thick plastic which must be cut with giant shears or torn apart by a member of the World Wrestling Federation.
3. Anyone who texts or talks on the phone while driving.
4. People who pick their noses in public.
5. The person who decided eating liver was a good idea.
6. Intolerance, ignorance, or discrimination.
7. The DMV
8. Thieves, internet hackers, warmongers, or the chronically arrogant.
9. Anyone in favor of banning books.
10. Houseguests who chatter or smile before noon.
11. People who talk on cell phones in stores, libraries, restaurants, airplanes, or any other public place where others may be disturbed.
12. People who don’t like poetry or Bob Dylan or the Beatles.
13. Hecklers and bullies.
14. Murderers, child abusers, and the big green Mucinex guy.
15. Men who slather themselves in cheap cologne.
16. People who leave coffee stains and crumbs in library books.
17. Overly zealous soccer moms or dads.
18. People who talk in movie theatres.
19. Doctors who lack bedside manner.
20. Poverty.
21. People who don’t mean what they say, or don’t say what they mean.
22. Liars, cheaters, Glade air fresheners.
23. Closed minds. 
24. People who talk, but don’t listen.
25. Fair weather friends.
26. People who are impatient with children, the elderly, or the infirm.
27. Parents who don’t read to their children.
28. Parents who don’t teach their children to write thank-you notes.
29. Stupid people (read about Mr. Kurtz here).
30. Anyone who mispronounces my name. (Reference here.)
31. Telemarketers.
32. People who ask writers, “Have you published anything yet?” 

Mmwahahahahahahahahahaha!! (Evil world domination laugh borrowed from Jules.)

Wow. That felt good, in a strange Allen Ginsberg-y sort of way.

While we’re at it, why not stew in it some more?

Here is a delicious Green Chile Chicken Stew recipe posted last month by Sara Lewis Holmes (Read*Write*Believe). It’s easy and so satisfying! The potatoes and creamed corn give the soup a nice creaminess without the added calories or fat of a traditional creamed soup.

And if you’re in the mood for some snuggling with your kids, try Donna Koppelman’s  Snuggle Night Beef Stew. Perfect for warding off the January chill.

Tell me, who’s on your NO SOUP list?

P.S. If you happen to be guilty of #30, I will accept bribes of cash or free books.